Prayer and Praise Wall

Anonymous

I have been a monthly supporter for several years. I listen to you 8 hours a day, every day. I deeply value the spiritual gift you give me every day with your programs.

I have thought about calling or writing to you before, but I guess the fear of someone finding out what I go through daily is almost as painful as living it. I feel like a complete failure. I don’t know how to handle my situation. I know according to the Bible I have cause for divorce. But I don’t want a divorce.

To give a short back story – My Dad was an evil, mean, violent alcoholic. He spent the majority of my life, trying to kill me and my mother. He always hated me. I married my first husband because I thought he would protect me. My dad was scared of him. That fear stopped the majority of the physical abuse, but even on his death bed, my dad tried to get up to hit me. The verbal abuse and constant hate speech never stopped. He tried everything to destroy any self-esteem or self-respect I could muster up – which wasn’t much. He told me I was ugly and worthless and always would be. I would never amount to anything. I was just a kid when he started that.

Fast forward and the husband I thought would love and respect me - did nothing but lie to me and keep secrets. He even had my children helping him do it. My kids resented me until they were adults and learned who their dad really was. I never spoke badly about him. I let them find it out for themselves. I was married to him for 24 years. I tried so hard.

I had no plans of ever dating again. I just wanted to be a mom. But 3 years after the divorce, I was introduced to someone by a friend. I refused to date him, but after 3 months of being nothing but sweet and respectful, I gave in. I had two of the happiest years of my life with this man. I left a job I loved and moved further from my family to make a life with him. We seemed so compatible, and we had so much fun. Two years in, I found out he was having an affair with a married woman. Not just any married woman – a Holy Rolling, self-proclaimed “Christian” woman who was praising God at the top of her lungs for delivering my husband to her because they were “Soulmates”. Fast forward a year and he shows back up on my doorstep, because she was playing him. She had NO INTEREST in him whatsoever. That was a bit of sweet revenge for me if I do say so.

When he showed up, he was deathly ill. I am not the kind of person who can look away when someone needs help. He has no one in his life because he has run them all off. He has four children who hate him, and he says he wishes were never born. His sister will not help him; however she has a huge life insurance policy on him. His sister and his children tried to convince me to let him die. That is what they wanted. I spent two years in hospitals and nursing homes with him, 500 miles from home until he received a liver transplant. He was within days of death 6’5” tall at 110 lbs. He didn’t even know who he was. After the transplant, his pancreas and heart failed. I spent the next few years getting him through all of that.

Now he is well enough to do anything he wants to. Mostly that is chasing other women, lying to me and trying to ruin my relationship with my kids and my new granddaughter. He has a private phone now because “his personal relationships are none of my business”. I was catching him with HUNDREDS of text messages to other women. He just destroyed Thanksgiving for my whole family. He seems to always ruin the holidays, which is exactly what my dad always did.

I think I am in denial, I just want the man that I married. I keep thinking he will get well and I will have him back. I miss the sweet, loving man I thought he was and I am having a hard time reconciling who I am living with now. We have literally had medical test after test done on his brain, because I have been convinced there is something wrong with him. All tests are coming back normal which means all of the meanness and deceitful behavior are just who he is.

I know I am just rambling at this point. I just want to fix this and I don’t know how. I have tried Counseling, but its not much good going on my own. Even my Christian Counselor told me I should have listened when his whole family wanted him dead; that it was for a reason and it was my red flag.

It has made me feel so desperate I just wish I were dead sometimes and I fight that as best I can. PLEASE PRAY FOR ME. I can’t hear God speaking to me. Why can’t I hear him? Please pray I hear what he wants me to do.

I need help.

Received: November 28, 2022